Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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