His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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