I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
