Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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