it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
