Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
