Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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