I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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