the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you would pick up someone in the library
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
