You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
