You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
God I need to hump something, right now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize