Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
