why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
