Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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