highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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