i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
