Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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