He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
