ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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