I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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