So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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