I wish I could punch you in the face.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
where are my eyebrows?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
