I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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