bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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