You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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