i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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