Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
