I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
