oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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