He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
