The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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