i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
