You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
