I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
