3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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