I looked at my own cervix.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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