tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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