the condom got lost in my hair
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
