Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
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I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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