Moan for me like Helen Keller
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
