Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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