Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
