I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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