Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
please don't ironically join a cult
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