I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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