How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
