she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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