How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
