The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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