I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
