Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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