So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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