You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
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Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
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He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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