She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
