Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
