when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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