Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
