i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
