Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you would pick up someone in the library
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
