Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
