The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
