The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
