Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
