i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
