why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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